Vice Presidents Anonymous is a support group for recovering VPs, much like Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics. But instead of sharing stories about struggles with alcohol, we share stories about struggles with greed, sleaze, aggression, delusion, paralysis and imbecility .
December 24th, 2019
10 Things Everyone Should Give Their Mistress for Christmas
You met her at the C terminal bar in LAX. Now you love her, and she’s one of the few embodiments of the life you wished you led. You’re living in a George Clooney movie, so be a George Clooney: read this list and get her the things every woman dreams of...
1. A Subscription to Sports Illustrated
- She’s mentioned Tom Brady a few times, so she must like football. You like football, too! Even better, with the additional online subscription you can share the account! Two birds, one stone, zero self-awareness.
2. A New Television
- Ok, so the Sports Illustrated idea didn’t work—the issues were sent to your house under her name. Now the wife has questions and the mistress thinks you’re an idiot. Prove to her you’re not an idiot: buy her a massive TV so she can watch the Patriots dominate the NFL yet again.
3. A Puppy
- She’s bound to miss you when you’re at home living a lie, so give her something to keep her company. Women like small dogs, so a Chihuahua should work fine.
4. Health Insurance
- Shit. She’s deathly allergic to dogs.
- You can feel her growing further away but you don’t know how to stop it. You went to all boys’ prep school and emotional distance was helpful there. Now its not? Where did you do wrong? You’ve seen a few Zales commercials and they seem to know what they’re talking about.
- She hasn’t spoken to you since you sent the diamonds—maybe they were too much? If only she’d open up…like…flowers. That’s it! Everyone loves flowers.
8. Patriots Tickets
- Come on, it’s the Pats.
9. A Very Long, Convoluted Email
- “You don’t listen to me, you don’t think about me,” she told you on the phone, “I told you I’m allergic to dogs a thousand times—and you give me a dog. I’m admitted to the hospital, and you try to pay my bills even though I have great health insurance. Then your big idea is to give me another pet? How tone-deaf are you? Then it’s diamonds, which are such an obvious ploy. Then it’s flowers, as if you can follow up diamonds with flowers. Then the Pats. Oh my God, I fucking hate sports! Tom Brady has a great jawline, I like that. But I don’t like football. You do! The subscription, the TV, the tickets…you’re projecting! All I’ve ever wanted was for you to divorce yourself of the one-track, all boys prep school, business-superman mindset laid out for you since you graduated high school. But you can’t. And you’ve never tried. You’re stuck in a world where only your needs are understood, and everything you do circles back to yourself. Goodbye, James.” You gush your mind out in a messy slosh of words and feelings. You can’t form and present them so you just let it all out in one email and press reply.
10. An Apartment
- You sent the email to your wife, numbnuts. Time to move out.