January 19th, 2020
Genius Figures it Out: No One Cares Anymore. Not A Single Person. Nada.
January 12th, 2020
Area Dropout Psyched for the Next Big Breakdown
Somerville, MA—Returning from yet another failed interview, local dropout Tom Dunne now feels prepared to take on his next nervous breakdown. “You know, I’ve been working toward this for a long time, and I’ve never felt better about my prospects of sobbing in public at a moment’s notice.”
When he dropped out after his sophomore year at an elite liberal arts school in Pennsylvania, Dunne enthusiastically told his peers about his plans to achieve spiritual enlightenment. Now, having been handed a formal eviction notice from his parents, he’s not so sure. “I really thought I’d have some kind of answer at this point, you know? Maybe this next crisis will be the kick in the butt I need? Authenticity and true desire don’t come easy. Nietzsche once said you have to 'win' your self-discovery.” Upon being informed that quote was actually from Jean-Paul Sartre, Dunne evaporated.
September 9th, 2020
Local SAA Leader Shares Concerns About Nation’s Mental Health Crisis
Tallahassee, FL—Don Pickles, the leader of Tallahassee’s largest Sex Addicts Anonymous group, has been coming to meetings with the all-too-familiar weight of addiction on his shoulders for the past 11 years. But now, he sees that burden taking on a new form in the rapidly expanding group. “I know times are tough,” he says peering over a cup of coffee at the COVID-cleared streets, “but what’s going on with the group seems…unprecedented...." See More
Vice Presidents Anonymous is a support group for recovering VPs, much like Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics. But instead of sharing stories about struggles with alcohol, we share stories about struggles with greed, sleaze, aggression, delusion, paralysis and imbecility .
December 24th, 2019
10 Things Everyone Should Give Their Mistress for Christmas
You met her at the C terminal bar in LAX. Now you love her, and she’s one of the few embodiments of the life you wished you led. You’re living in a George Clooney movie, so be a George Clooney: read this list and get her the things every woman dreams of...See More
December 9th, 2019
Local Man Fails to Read Fine Print, Sold to Highest Bidder
Madison, WI—Only a few months ago Jay Fairfield, 29, had just begun to get his life together. He’d finally found a steady job with good health insurance, he’d figured out a financial plan to pay off his monumental student loans, and he’d recently learned about the birth of his nephew. “I was feeling like life was about to get rolling.” Fairfield bought a $500 plane ticket through American Airlines to see his newborn nephew in Rhode Island. Shortly after purchasing his ticket, Fairfield’s nephew fell ill, and he had to reschedule the trip for later in the year. That’s when it all began...See More
Resident Millennial Dispatches
Boomers asked for it, and boomers get what they want. So they got a younger voice to pipe up about the concerns of the younger generation--but only to pipe up, not advocate for actual change, because that won't get the "right people" elected, of course, to get the "wrong people" out of Wall St., corporate lobbies, etc. Nonetheless, here are articles, investigations, and memes that hopefully serve as a safari of sorts through the Serengeti of Young Person Thought. I'm Millennial in name, but Gen Z in practice (Boomers can't be expected to learn ANOTHER phrase from this bottomless terminology spewing from the Radical Left these days, right?)...ANYWAY, welcome to my...
St. Petersburg, FL—Local genius Ed Tiller has spent his life devoted to mathematics. Harvard undergrad, Yale grad, Oxford grad grad, Tiller has addressed some of the most difficult conundrums of his field. Following the 2016 election, he began a new project: to scientifically prove that no one in America gives a shit...See More