January 19th, 2020
Genius Figures it Out: No One Cares Anymore. Not A Single Person. Nada.
St. Petersburg, FL—Local genius Ed Tiller has spent his life devoted to mathematics. Harvard undergrad, Yale grad, Oxford grad grad, Tiller has addressed some of the most difficult conundrums of his field. Following the 2016 election, he began a new project: to scientifically prove that no one in America gives a shit.
“It was a long journey, I’ll say that,” he muses over a cup of Darjeeling tea, “there are a lot of variables to consider: from the Boomers to Gen Z, each person has their own fascinating brand of existential boredom with everything on earth—most of all each other.” Since Tiller report was released last week, CNN has devoted three straight days to its coverage. The fact that he started it after the 2016 election is of particular interest to the news channel, with every single anchor reiterating something or other about Donald Trump. Tiller stresses that the study was utterly non-partisan, but acknowledges that such a fact is irrelevant because, well, no one in America gives a shit.
“You know, Wall Street…” Tiller was cut off at this point because mainstream media thinks covering business is icky.
Another outlet captivated by Tiller’s findings was the president’s twitter feed itself. “Wow! Great study by @EdTillerGenius. The Fake News Media, of course, won’t cover it (maybe the Fake Noose Media because they lynch me).” This tweet was sent at 8:45am, when the president takes his morning dump and finds his greatest inspiration. “SAD!” he continued in a separate tweet, “They don’t care about me, the MOST confident president in our gorgeous, sexy history.”
When asked about the tweet, Tiller shrugged. “I honestly wasn’t surprised by that. I mean, why not have a reality TV star president? Why not have him tweeting at you during his Oval Office poo break? We can talk about this guy till the cows come home, but no one’s listening. Oh look the Bucs are on.”
Pressed to talk about Trump until the cows come home, Tiller grew visibly irate. “Ok, pal, what’s your angle here? I proved that no one on earth gives a shit about anything anymore, and you’re pushing me to start caring about politics? Enough. We’re all way passed that point—all of us. And it’s probably been that way for a while. Hell, if I ran in 2016 on three dollars and a wet paper bag I probably would have made it on someone’s ticket. I could do it today, if I wanted to.”
He did not want to, and for precisely that reason Tiller now leads the polls in Iowa.
Vice Presidents Anonymous is a support group for recovering VPs, much like Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics. But instead of sharing stories about struggles with alcohol, we share stories about struggles with greed, sleaze, aggression, delusion, paralysis and imbecility .